Saturday, August 21, 2010

Salt the movie : as damaging as the real thing

I try to be positive in my reviews. No one likes a whinger, after all, and if I don't have anything positive or constructive to say, I generally keep it to myself. In this case, though, I'll make an exception.  Kurt Wimmer, what happened?

Salt, the movie, is a waste of many things - a relatively decent actress, quite a large amount of money and, most importantly, my time. The best part of the movie, in my opinion, was the credits. It would have been better if she'd died in Korea - a twelve-second masterpiece! The budget still would have been more than I'll ever make in my lifetime, though.

From the shoddy camera work - the movie is riddled with camera cuts that make no sense and, in fact, completely change the meaning of some scenes - to the terrible, terrible logic flaws - she grabbed a hat, where did the shawl come from? Why were the security guards in America wearing what looked like the yellow Star of David from WW2 and if so, why were they all Asian? - the movie is nothing short of mind-bogglingly ridiculous. This might be acceptable if it didn't take itself so damn seriously.

Let me ruin the plot for you : everyone is a spy. There, you didn't miss much. Angelina Jolie's a spy, that other guy is a spy, the guy sitting next to you is probably a spy, and somehow it takes THREE GODDAMN DAYS to determine if someone is dead or not! It's action movie-ism at it's absolute worst, because it seems like they honestly think the audience isn't going to have a problem with the flawed premise, the lack of character development, or the fact that firing an on-impact explosive somehow means the aforementioned impact explosive will only explode on your enemies, rather than when you hit it with the thing you're using to fire it from. Audiences are smarter than that. At least, I sincerely hope they are. Then again, given the reaction in the cinema, it may be a false one. I was actually going to write this blog post while the movie was still going, but I was afraid of getting lynched.

If this movie makes any kind of profit, I'm calling shenanigans and nuking the entire world from orbit. It's the only way to be sure all the dumb is erased.

No comments:

Post a Comment